No Wonder I Could Never Keep You Satisfied :('s Journal

11:52AM - MO SUMMER TOUR!!!

So, those of you who are my friend over on the MOST understand that this is a. because I heart M.O. and b. because it's an order and LJ is a great outlet like that (and I'm sure I'll see similar from you guys :D)

Anyway, there's this great band called Manchester Orchestra from Georgia that's touring this summer with another band called Colour Revolt. It's their first headlining tour and they're such an amazing band. If you haven't heard them, your going to need to head over to their myspace or their website and check them out.

You know how we all have music for special purposes? Like there's that one band we listen to in order to make us feel infinite, that other band that you listen to when you're reading, that other band to make a bad day good and that other band you jam to in the car? Well, Manchester Orchestra encompasses all of those aspects for me. I haven't found a time where they're not good to listen to and that's pretty hard to say because I'm a musical elitist and all.

So with that, here's summer tour information and I expect you all to at least give them a chance. Hey, tickets are cheap. Me and my debt-student-loan-fucked-up-the-ass-negative-balance-bank-account can afford eight dollar's.

Upcoming Shows ( view all )
Jul 27 2007 9:00P
The Complex (co-headline with Colour Revolt) Memphis, Tennessee
Jul 28 2007 9:00P
Off Broadway (co-headline with Colour Revolt) St. Louis, Missouri
Jul 29 2007 9:30P
Jackpot Music Hall (co-headline with Colour Revolt) Lawrence, Kansas
Jul 31 2007 6:00P
The Picador (co-headline with Colour Revolt) Iowa City, Iowa
Aug 1 2007 7:00P
Varsity (co-headline with Colour Revolt) Minneapolis, Minnesota
Aug 2 2007 7:30P
House Cafe (co-headline with Colour Revolt) DeKalb, Illinois
Aug 3 2007 11:00P
House of Blues Back Porch Stage (w. Anathallo & Sybris) Ages: 21+ Chicago, Illinois
Aug 4 2007 8:00P
Shelter (co-healdine with Colour Revolt) Detroit, Michigan
Aug 5 2007 8:00P
The Lime Spider (co-headline with Colour Revolt) Akron, Ohio
Aug 7 2007 9:45P
The End (co-headline with Colour Revolt) Nashville, Tennessee
Aug 8 2007 8:30P
Bottletree (co-headline with colour revolt) Birmingham, Alabama
Aug 9 2007 9:00P
The Loft (co-headline with Colour Revolt) Atlanta, Georgia
Aug 10 2007 7:30P
New Brookland Tavern (co-headline with Colour Revolt) W. Columbia, South Carolina
Aug 11 2007 8:00P
Cat's Cradle (co-headline with Colour Revolt) Carrboro, North Carolina
Aug 12 2007 7:00P
Alley Katz (co-headline with Colour Revolt) Richmond, Virginia
Aug 14 2007 7:00P
Jammin Java (co-headline with Colour Revolt) Vienna, Virginia
Aug 15 2007 8:00P
Northstar (co-headline with Colour Revolt) Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Aug 16 2007 7:30P
Knitting Factory (co-headline with Colour Revolt) New York, New York

P.S. Sorry for those who consider this spam but M.O. Fucking Rule.

3:19PM

This was the journal that my teacher had discovered and used against me. I never wanted to delete this. Not this journal, it has too many memories. So the next few days, I'll be deleting every entry ever typed here and printing them out before that because I think its time for a new start.

I have other journals and if any of you want to, please feel free to contact me at saveforaftertheshow@yahoo.com and I'll tell you about them or what not.

I'm very sorry but I think that I need to get past the past already.

Please email me or comment.

1:13AM

I've got no friends. How sad.

Even the ones in my HEAD have left for someone else.

Its funny how my biggest problem right now, Heather can easily fix. But hey what are "best friends" for?

10:09PM

I hate that she's getting to know her roomate. Yes, I'm jealous. Of course I'm jealous, I've come to terms that once this whole college idea appears she's going to push me out of her life and have a new best friend. So anyone she gets close to or gets to know scares me. I keep thinking, is this the one who is going to replace me? I'm so nervous and scared of losing her. She's the only person I really ever cared to have in my life when I could easily lose them. And we've been through so much together. I don't want it to be where we talk every few weeks and its like, who are you or catch up. I'd rather we stay best friends. But of course we won't. And that's the sad realization of college. That best friends will always fade away for the ones you don't care to keep.

9:03PM - I Am The Man Who Will Fight For Your Honor

Nothing will ever be the same. I was just thinking about gauging my ears and if I did I wouldn't be able to show Salena it on Monday morning or everyone else on the first day of school in September. Everything is changing or about to. Right now I'm still not over Oliver and I don't know if I ever will be. Everytime there is a sad love song or a "I want you back" song I think of him. I don't want to live in the past but I can't help it. Its like somehow torturing myself with memories and attempting to right the wrongs through thought will make it better. I know I can't change the past, hell even if I could I doubt I would but I still can't seem to escape these thoughts. I know I should be happy about the future but I keep wallowing in the past and I cannot excape no matter what I try.

There's something absoluetly petrifing about the future and change. There is this idea that Dostoevsky brought up that many times people standing atop of high heights have the urge to fling themselves down, illustrating that we all have this spontaneous and suicidal instinct within us. The future makes me want to jump. Perhaps that is why I am experincing slight variations of emotions that I barely felt when I was going through depresion. I have this bleak, hopeless outake on the rest of my life currently. However unnecesary or juvinelle, I need love in my life and I have none. Perhaps that is why.

This concept of the future v. the past makes me wonder if it will ever truly get "better". We spend so much time as a people wishing for greener pastures, striving beyond our means, wishing and hoping, that we never truly experince life because were not happy with it. Nobody is ever happy with what they have, not completly. The desire for more is something that will never be fufilled because there is always a new desire that comes along with achieving the aforementioned desire. I, the eternally hypocritical optimist, am losing grip upon the tenents of my own philosophy within saying that. Perhaps there really is nothing to live for. This whole "hoping for the best" belief is nothing but hopelessness and a disbelief in suicide.

Suicide is actually something I admire greatly. I've attempted it several times and it's ironic that when that is the thing you want most from life and you still life, its like failing at your goals. I know all of the trite sayings against suicide but there is also an idea brought forth by Albert Camus that those who care to commit suicide know something the rest of the world does not. I would have to agree with that. There's a certain form of demented clarity that comes with the forced conclusion of life.

8:53PM - We Won't Make It Now

I'm failing AP Lit at the moment, one of the two things I need to graduate and rather than doing the one thing that csn prevent that (my huge project), what have I done today? I took a nap.

O yea, whose the fuckup?

Anyone over here on myspace.com? Add me saveforaftertheshow@yahoo.com

6:00PM

I am by no means willing nor looking to change you
I'm willing to take any oppurtunity that you give me
And turn it into something more than just maybe
I do not care where you have been or where you shall go
because I only care about your present
I do not wonder who you will be in fifteen years
because I know I will be there to see it
I do not want promises of forever but only the wish that tommororow will be better
I do not want to take your jacket if after that you
will let me stay cold
I do not want the apprehenton and tension of another
breakup if your not willing to take it all away

12:33PM

Drum and Bass is god. Energy is needed lol. I really just want to leave the building already but Heather is making me end out the day. ::Sigh:: I'd rather go home now loll

8:07PM

I'm all cranky from coming down and I really just want to nap and shit right now but I can't cause there's school tommrorow and if I want any shot of graduating I need to figure out how to pass AP Lit and hope for the best which means I need to think of something to do for this project lol. I'm also still obsessed with uploading all of my CD's which is, of course, a massive undertaking of major proportions lol.

10:31AM

Hahaha, I just remebered today was supposed to be senior cut day but most seniors are in school and I'm not lol. Hahaha.

5:38PM - Been There Myself More Than A Few Times

Its really depressing to me that I may own more electronica and classical CD's than I may own punk/emo/rock/whateve type CD's.

6:06PM

I'm perfectly happy being friends
But I'd rather we be something more
I'd prefer to kiss you, hug you
And make you feel the way you make me feel
Although you may not know it
You don't know that its only you
I'd want you over everyone else
When you say that I deserve someon better,
only the best
I keep thinking I only want you
I don't want better or worse or different
I want you
I doubt you can deal with me as a friend
Not because you know anything different
But because I am different
I am difficult and hard to know
I'm worth the risk that no one will ever take
I want you to take the risk
I wish you knew that I wanted you
But only if you could feel the same
if at the moment you realized it
You knew that it was only me you wanted
I know were friends
That you may never think past that idea
That you are as unexperinced as I wish I was
I just wish that you could fall for me
And tell me
Save the wishing for another girl
The one that can come after me
Because at this moment all I want is you
It would make happier than you would know
But I can't tell you this
So I'll bite my tongue
And pray you'll fall for me before
this oppurtunity falls away...

7:28PM - I Need You So Much Closer

What exactly is love? I used to think I knew what love was but what did I know. I used to think that it was those first few weeks with someone where everything was perfect and floating on air and you wanted nothing more than to be with them. Where you actually wanted to be with them and missed not being with them.

But I'm wondering if I'm wrong. I'm wondering if love is more the residual affects of whats left after all of the above things start to fade away. When you don't want to meet them as much as you just do. That maybe love isn't that instantaneously happy emotion and release of seratonin but something much more dull and passive.

I used to think when I was a little kid that love was what it was called when you thought of finding out that person had died and if you were ready to cry just at the thought of that, then you loved them.

I've alwaus spewed out the phrase "I love you" way too quickly in relationships, as if it didn't mean anything at all really. Maybe its because of who I am, neurotically insane girl who feels nothing. Maybe the chemicals in your brain need to be properly balanced before you can feel love or any other emotions. I don't really know. But I wonder what love really is when it comes to relationships.

Its easy to know if you love relatives or not. Its a simple matter of just knowing. Maybe its also that little mental nudge we feel because they are related to us so we feel forced to "love" them. But you really can't choose who you love. Its not something an individual can point at someone and focus and automatically spurt out this catalystic phrase that sums up the emotion of love.

I guess it all comes down to me desperatly wondering what love really is. Because right now I do not know. I'm starting to wonder if it ever was alot clearer or if I just misconstrued euphoria with the words that get tangled on my tongue. I wonder if perhaps I'm just incapable of love. Am I just incapable of truly feeling any good emotion?

I think Disney should be sued for all the lackadasical ideas of love they've implanted into my cranium. Maybe love isn't this perfect idea that should be risked at all cost in order to recieve. Maybe its just learning to deal with people who you'de have to anyway and making the best of it. I could say I thought that, but I would be lying right through my teeth.

I've been focusing alot of time and energy trying to comprehend this apprent idea that I will be desperatly alone for the rest of my life. I'm actually quite desperate. You'd be amazed how few standards I have when it comes towards relationships at this point. No sexual diseases, no 40-year-old men, no bald headed girls. That's about it. I've sunken so low and I still am in this state of perpetual lonliness. And I wonder if all these people who have passed into my life with such speed and out with faster speed were actually something to focus on. If perhaps I've allowed the one to slip through my fingers because I was too scared that I was too depressed to be in a relationship. Because I truly wanted to die and didn't want to put him through that.

Perhaps, its just me worrying about possible regrets. But I still cannot help but wonder, what is this mystically foreboding idea known as love?

9:04PM

I'm going to Albright College in Reading, Penn. Somewhat of on spite of my parents, somewhat because I'd love it, somewhat because its where I belong. My parents were willing to let me go to Stonybrook but if I'm going to take this huge ass risk in their eyes, I might as well go for the risk RISK rather than safe-bet-risk. Heather's @ Albright too, although I doubt we'll ever really associate. I've got tonsilitis or something like tht right now. All week actually. I wish Michael would come to school and hangout. He's forgotten all about me and Heather. But its all good. Too bad NYU rejected me. I could have been so much happier there than anywhere else. But I guess I wasn't good enough for something I wanted so badly I would have killed for it. Big surprise.

7:49PM

How evil are you?

hahahaha...

I'm going to college....score!

10:01PM

Song # 2 </font>


I'm a brunette when my hair is wet
The vibrant red is muffled and I am regular
Is that what you want?
Cause nobody wants extrodinary
They all fall for ordinary
and I am not

Do you want a plain girl
With her hands at your side, complacent and pure?
Cause I can bite my tongue till bleeds
if that's what you want
I want to be ordinary
Why am I extrodinary?

[/unfinished]

2:21PM - Another Friend

I haven't felt this shitty in a really long time. I don't even want to write. I don't want to talk. My mouth feels in audible. I don't want to play guitar or listen to MP3's. I just want to get my mind off of all this shit. Please let nothing happen to her, please. Of course Heather left this morning, I need someone to talk to lol. Please please please.

10:41PM

I never got the point of making a journal friends only. To me it never made sense to have an online journal to deal with people if you were going to exclude all these damn people. I was going to delete this journal because of something that happened yesterday but then I remebered the summer after freshman year when Jenny made me start this. And there is too much in here for me to delete because one person gains a strong offense to personal thoughts. Everything is going friends only. I won't update this because I have another journal that is completly friends only on another site. I'll use this to read friends entries and all but other than that, this is just so that I can have all the memories of high school and past thoughts and feelings. So, yes.